Never was it cold, never as it was today. Numbness, eyes freezing into the thin air, shocked, about to break the ice, about to burst into what could be a stream of river flow of tears. Looking at the screen, my hands and ears turn cold to an extreme point of shivers running down the spine. The struggles and nightmares you have been having has turned into a mere reality. It kills. Calls you had, texts you had, both asking and having a confrontation of comfort at the same time the embrace of a mother calms your soul. Not knowing, but knowing that the day was coming. Having felt an ominous feeling the night before causing an early hit to the sack of the bed, because of the sudden breakdown without knowing even why. The grey clouds and rain fill the serenity of what is flowing on the windows, down the ground, just as these tears flow down the cheeks that has turned red from the excessive cry of a mixture of regret and a hatred towards time who had been unfair. A mother, supporting a child's back, is one of the 'bags' you MUST keep forever and cherish. A sister who plans to think on how to work this; you're a winner. a friend who promises you to push you as you push them, they are roses that never dies, as they say; We're All In This Together, holding each others hands, pulling together to walk up on the same stage, holding a smile up proudly.
What proved much more was today, when what seemed to me was a lightning and thunder that came with a heavy rain, poured upon me, drowning me in my own tears. 2 hours is not a long time, but it is not a short time either, especially when all the heartbreaking parts happened in just one shot, enough to bring you down to the ground. Above, I stared, my pride, my joy, my tears but also my laughter, my friends and family, my beloved SUBJECT teachers especially, had given me a ray of sunshine to dry up the sea I almost drowned in. I seem to still float around the sea, but not drowning, atleast. What happened had somehow take a struck in me, in making a push, but at the same time, the gravity pulled me down with the harshness that came with it. It may hurt, but it was not the truth for sure.
A bag, some of us were today, punched, in the face, in the stomach, how much it must have felt. trust me, i know. it seems that every punch of every word spit on, had made me feel nothing, but miserable, crawling to the chairs and table, barely making out of hell alive. Being able to breathe for the second time, although at times, i just have seem to lose it, I'm thankful. For all the endured moments, I have lost all tolerance, for all that has been said all this while, I have taken in. People who knew, told what was needed to be heard at the same time was the fact that someone understood, and I'm never alone. My head hurts trying to laugh even, my eyes hurt trying to not cry, after crying.
Over reacting I may be, publishing a post where i could at least indirectly relay my thoughts, without knowing who will or not read it, i don't really care, for all my thoughts here could only be conveyed through the letters and words put out to be conversed as what seem to be my comfort. Hours passed by, and even as I am writing this, my eyes are crying in silence, as they seek for the laughter I had especially been craving for today. seconds of laughter I had, but hours of misery just thinking. As it may seem to be easier said to not be thinking about it, but to just ask time to visit my thoughts, the first thing that came to my head was just that.
If it may seem being a risk of putting this post, but I have posted nothing but merely my train of thoughts in order to protest myself from breaking into tears again. Some may know, some may question, but know this, no one else knows me better than whoever I talk to everyday. Thinking, will i be able to get up, will i be able to face crap without probably being cold or break?
Like a bag full of sand could be compared to somewhat episodes in our lives. Like a grain, it could be easily forgotten one day having it all compiled, making you strong, like a punching bag, strong enough to take hits. Same pain. Same resistance.
Someone said, betrayed. What i felt today, was betrayed, as witness to somewhat chaos, betrayed one of the words. Traumatized? I dont know. But to fight for it, In Shaa Allah, is what I will try on with the help of everyone around me. Thank You guys. i love you.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Warriors of Constant Battles By Indah and Nana
Fatigue, as a mess that is unseen feeling on rage with fire,
A bright shining star that is clear,
Is still surrounded by the dark night that seems to be my tears,
As I walk through this empty hollow tunnel with voices calling out my fears,
You threw your dreams at me, knowing I am an endless fall,
A fall to gloom, a fall to darkness.
To you I am an endless void, catching none of what you desire,
Of what you want me to be.
Alone, in a city filled with monsters,
Despite having a frontal heaven as assurance,
Yet hell was what I saw and felt as I speak my prayers,
But what I felt was a mere abundance,
You left me exposed,
A cold, shrivelled, sunken mess, Drowning in a sea of doubts,
Trying hard to breathe.
To you I am a tiny scar,
Something you flake off so easily, without a second glance.
You shoved your sorrow inside me,
In my mind. In my soul.
Your sorrows taken, my heart aching.
To you I am happiness,
Which u have yanked away,
And replaced it with despair.
Searching, searching, searching,
Bravely fighting demons of hell,
Longing, Longing, Longing,
As the sun within me rise in a cycle having hidden from the shell,
You sing me songs of gold,
I relish. I cherish.
Your joy, I take pride in.
To you I am a blank page,
Filling me in with your splash of emotions, happy or sad.
Despite the bruises and cuts that possesses my soul of thoughts,
Without fail, I still feel lost in the sea, possessed of what the demons had told,
But all I can do is cry and scream and what not,
Searching for the light as I run through the night that is cold,
You carve me dreams and hope,
Only to break it and build it again.
To you I am a fixable flaw,
Something you experiment with to invent your own luck.
But to me, I am your tool.
You can use me, you can break me, as long as it brings u satisfaction.
A room with a small light gives hope,
Seeing the dark night with the moon that shines,
The light that runs out but can be replaced with a new bulb giving you to get up, as if a rope,
Fighting everyday but know this: you'll be fine.
(Thank you to Indah for being the second writer to this poem, you've beautifully done well. It was an honor to share this experience with you xx)
A bright shining star that is clear,
Is still surrounded by the dark night that seems to be my tears,
As I walk through this empty hollow tunnel with voices calling out my fears,
You threw your dreams at me, knowing I am an endless fall,
A fall to gloom, a fall to darkness.
To you I am an endless void, catching none of what you desire,
Of what you want me to be.
Alone, in a city filled with monsters,
Despite having a frontal heaven as assurance,
Yet hell was what I saw and felt as I speak my prayers,
But what I felt was a mere abundance,
You left me exposed,
A cold, shrivelled, sunken mess, Drowning in a sea of doubts,
Trying hard to breathe.
To you I am a tiny scar,
Something you flake off so easily, without a second glance.
You shoved your sorrow inside me,
In my mind. In my soul.
Your sorrows taken, my heart aching.
To you I am happiness,
Which u have yanked away,
And replaced it with despair.
Searching, searching, searching,
Bravely fighting demons of hell,
Longing, Longing, Longing,
As the sun within me rise in a cycle having hidden from the shell,
You sing me songs of gold,
I relish. I cherish.
Your joy, I take pride in.
To you I am a blank page,
Filling me in with your splash of emotions, happy or sad.
Despite the bruises and cuts that possesses my soul of thoughts,
Without fail, I still feel lost in the sea, possessed of what the demons had told,
But all I can do is cry and scream and what not,
Searching for the light as I run through the night that is cold,
You carve me dreams and hope,
Only to break it and build it again.
To you I am a fixable flaw,
Something you experiment with to invent your own luck.
But to me, I am your tool.
You can use me, you can break me, as long as it brings u satisfaction.
A room with a small light gives hope,
Seeing the dark night with the moon that shines,
The light that runs out but can be replaced with a new bulb giving you to get up, as if a rope,
Fighting everyday but know this: you'll be fine.
(Thank you to Indah for being the second writer to this poem, you've beautifully done well. It was an honor to share this experience with you xx)
Time (24.08.15)
For time that never wants to pause,
All these days, passing by without a cause,
The lights and pitch black that fills my air,
Causes my breathing to be in despair,
For time that never wants to pause,
The sky repeats the cycle with galaxy's force,
But all my head does is the opposite,
Calling out the past, differentiating as I feel the sins like shit,
For time that never wants to pause,
Why? How? When? and What did it cost?
With a heart that drowns breathlessly in the sea and sky watching you,
Just like how the good and sins makes me, like a fool, searching for endless clues,
For time that never wants to pause,
Searching for a cause even when I put on my shirt, make up, gloss,
Is this right? Is this wrong?
Only bearing to take a pen and write doubts all night long,
For time that never wants to pause,
Why am I feeling such drowse,
Caught in the dark with thoughts haunting in sight,
Fighting with questions as it darkens the night,
For time that never wants to pause,
Light and dark makes you want to cry,
With or without a cause, still feeling lost,
Questioning to live or to die?
For time that never wants to pause,
To make choices in the seconds You give,
Never will my thoughts make sense like logic and rules made by laws,
So the intention to make one without being deceived,
Is impossible to achieve because of the withdraws,
As I understand the limited time; telling me to forgive and to live.
All these days, passing by without a cause,
The lights and pitch black that fills my air,
Causes my breathing to be in despair,
For time that never wants to pause,
The sky repeats the cycle with galaxy's force,
But all my head does is the opposite,
Calling out the past, differentiating as I feel the sins like shit,
For time that never wants to pause,
Why? How? When? and What did it cost?
With a heart that drowns breathlessly in the sea and sky watching you,
Just like how the good and sins makes me, like a fool, searching for endless clues,
For time that never wants to pause,
Searching for a cause even when I put on my shirt, make up, gloss,
Is this right? Is this wrong?
Only bearing to take a pen and write doubts all night long,
For time that never wants to pause,
Why am I feeling such drowse,
Caught in the dark with thoughts haunting in sight,
Fighting with questions as it darkens the night,
For time that never wants to pause,
Light and dark makes you want to cry,
With or without a cause, still feeling lost,
Questioning to live or to die?
For time that never wants to pause,
To make choices in the seconds You give,
Never will my thoughts make sense like logic and rules made by laws,
So the intention to make one without being deceived,
Is impossible to achieve because of the withdraws,
As I understand the limited time; telling me to forgive and to live.
The Silence After The Storm
The Silence After The Storm
In every move, every breath,
The steps that you gracefully smile upon,
Drowns others in a pool of emotions in depth,
As you take souls that has died in their body living as if gone,
The moon moving alone with the sun,
Opposite ends yet become as one,
Both giving light to this dark, sinister world,
Just as how I see light that's as beautiful as the pearls,
The knife that you decided to stab in,
Has become no good but a sin,
Where and why have you given me light in appearance,
Only to close it with me asking questions,
For the deep sea that carries my tears,
You have only witnessed the truth that lies within under the sky,
Not even the sun and moon can shine upon my tunnel of fears,
Because the ground has swallowed me with your lies,
I call upon the days that fills with laughter,
Only to be saddened by the ones filled with tears,
At first thinking- "A Happy Ever after?"
Only to be answered with pain of being stabbed with a spear,
How? How did I end to quest this destiny,
That seems to give me nothing but reality,
Dreams, dreams, dreams that shine upon this heart of clarity,
To be only contaminated with insanity
Day to night, months to years,
You've done nothing but leave me scars,
Only to be remembered till death that is near,
But I see a light that doesn't seem to be far
I look at something dull that's grey,
Shining upon, smiling to me, saying "this will end",
Taking a leap of faith as I pray,
Leaving behind, all this pain now will end.
Credits to: Mimie for helping me figuring out a title ;) <3
In every move, every breath,
The steps that you gracefully smile upon,
Drowns others in a pool of emotions in depth,
As you take souls that has died in their body living as if gone,
The moon moving alone with the sun,
Opposite ends yet become as one,
Both giving light to this dark, sinister world,
Just as how I see light that's as beautiful as the pearls,
The knife that you decided to stab in,
Has become no good but a sin,
Where and why have you given me light in appearance,
Only to close it with me asking questions,
For the deep sea that carries my tears,
You have only witnessed the truth that lies within under the sky,
Not even the sun and moon can shine upon my tunnel of fears,
Because the ground has swallowed me with your lies,
I call upon the days that fills with laughter,
Only to be saddened by the ones filled with tears,
At first thinking- "A Happy Ever after?"
Only to be answered with pain of being stabbed with a spear,
How? How did I end to quest this destiny,
That seems to give me nothing but reality,
Dreams, dreams, dreams that shine upon this heart of clarity,
To be only contaminated with insanity
Day to night, months to years,
You've done nothing but leave me scars,
Only to be remembered till death that is near,
But I see a light that doesn't seem to be far
I look at something dull that's grey,
Shining upon, smiling to me, saying "this will end",
Taking a leap of faith as I pray,
Leaving behind, all this pain now will end.
Credits to: Mimie for helping me figuring out a title ;) <3
Friday, August 7, 2015
stuff. life.
There are times when you just need to sit down, and think about what is going to happen with your life.
Assalamualaikum to the current readers, and bless you for reading this. This is going to be another ride of posts, because I am literally putting my thoughts out here because I dont know where to go as of this moment. So thank you for putting up with me in reading my somehow posts that has been totally a reflection diary to me.
Sometimes, when you think about the problems you have, and you dont know if the situation is going to be ok again. or if you are going to be ok. You just try to believe that it will be although the situation seems impossible. There's so much stuff that is going on and you just don't know if its really going to be ok. like you keep on telling people it is going to be ok, when you are not assured yourself that it is despite facing the same similar situation. because you know how it feels. how it feels to be in such situations. that assurance, "its going to be ok" it helps. alot. although it doesnt help you solve the problem, but to know that someone is with you would be a nice feeling.
Do you understand my thoughts here?
Assalamualaikum to the current readers, and bless you for reading this. This is going to be another ride of posts, because I am literally putting my thoughts out here because I dont know where to go as of this moment. So thank you for putting up with me in reading my somehow posts that has been totally a reflection diary to me.
Sometimes, when you think about the problems you have, and you dont know if the situation is going to be ok again. or if you are going to be ok. You just try to believe that it will be although the situation seems impossible. There's so much stuff that is going on and you just don't know if its really going to be ok. like you keep on telling people it is going to be ok, when you are not assured yourself that it is despite facing the same similar situation. because you know how it feels. how it feels to be in such situations. that assurance, "its going to be ok" it helps. alot. although it doesnt help you solve the problem, but to know that someone is with you would be a nice feeling.
Do you understand my thoughts here?
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