Assalamualaikum to beloved readers who I pray to be in good health and state as always. Hello there. I come to you writing in hope of pouring out what seems to be an unknown feeling. I have words to describe it, yet unsettled with an unstable conclusion.
Exams are going on, and here i am taking a few minutes to write on this because Im trying to figure this out. Maybe I'm extra sensitive because its exams. On another hand, I feel in need of a hand, but without me wanting to have to ask for it. History has made me giving up on trying in certain situations where i fear of disappointments because the disappointing process was too hard for me to handle despite having gone through it and made it through.
Alot of clueless and unsettling thoughts run through the train my mind seem to be riding on. Such include pointless that even my conscious mind sees it as actually nothing to worry about, at the same time, i somehow feel that it is bothering me. Maybe it could be a problem whereby its my fault for letting it bother me, but somehow somethings, they're beyond your control.
I barely made it to where I am. Having gone through things what we all go through, I'm satisfied to actually have made it this far. Somehow. Unsure though. Was it really right to have reached here, or should I have left the ride to my destiny of somewhat they call "fate". I'm not saying I don't believe in it, for seriously I do, but at the moment, i somehow refuse to reach there, for I feel like I've not done enough, live enough. Despite that, I wanted to get away from this phase I'm going through. Anxious enough for no reason, I live as a mannequin who barely express her feelings, yet, dying inside. Able to put it aside for a second, but barely escaping the death of darkness that drowns you in a sea and pool of anger and tears. I dont think its a general problem like general. More likely as I'm writing this, I'm hoping to have a conclusion to what I should actually do, aside from holding on as well as to what I'm actually going through. It might be too much to ask for, such as expressing how much you long for someone/certain people, for their help, in silence. May I say, should i take the initiation of making the first step, i labelled that step as means of fear for disappointment. Once again, yes.
So much things to go on about, and in my head there's this clouded unclear thought of what is going on, yet i feel so blue. I should get back to studying back now. I long for crazy deep sleep. Though i didnt conclude on what to feel, what I am feeling, or even what the actual hell am i saying, I feel somehwhat better having it out here, considering the fact this was my last place to rant on. Nevertheless, Thanks for being a good friend blogspot. XD
Till my exams are done, Assalamualaikum. <3 xx
PS: I just noticed my previous post, I was in a bad state as well. So I guess it hasn't really ended. hmm.
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